Swimming with Gena & Philip - "YCTTBOOTB"

Don't read if you have a weak stomach...Without a doubt the most embarrassing moment in my dad’s life (and probably anyone else’s) occurred with Aunt Gena and Uncle Philip when they visited my dad when he was older and living in St. Louis. My dad, Aunt Gena, and Uncle Philip were swimming in the Raintree Apartment pool together. It was June and the first time they had been swimming that year. Aunt Gena and Uncle Philip love pools and when they go swimming they don’t just wallow around the pool – they jumped in, swim on top of the water, swim under the water, splash, kick water – in other words they just have a great, active time in the pool. When it’s time to leave they almost have to be dragged out of the pool because they love swimming so much but when they get out they have to sit down on the side of the pool because they are so exhausted from all their activity. In addition to their love of swimming they both have a love for cookies and soda. If, and when, they were left alone for an extended period of time they could easily devour a box of Nilla Waffers and a bottle of Diet Coke or Pepsi in one sitting. This one particular day it was 92 degree and sunny outside – a perfect day for swimming – but there was also a Perfect Storm brewing – several seemingly unrelated events were slowly coming together in a perfect recipe for disaster. The perfect mixture consisted of the following; Uncle Philip had a congested nose, Aunt Gena and Uncle Philip had finished off a bottle of Diet Coke and Coke each, they both swam in the Raintree Apartment pool for a couple of hours, and Aunt Gena has a weak stomach.When my dad, Aunt Gena, and Uncle Philip decided to go swimming that day there was nothing unusual – Grandma Hand helped them get their bathing suits on, Aunt Gena complained, "Come on mom hurry up, I want to go swimming!", and Uncle Philip tapped my dad on his shoulder and shook his hands and said, "Can’t wait!" which meant he couldn’t wait to go swimming. When they all had their bathing suits on they grabbed three towels and hurried down the apartment steps and once they made it down the steps they ran to the pool. There were about thirty people already at the pool; half were in the pool swimming and the other half were sitting or laying on chairs relaxing by the side of the pool. The pool was surrounded by a chain link fence and so my dad lifted up the latch, opened the gate, and they all quickly walked in. When they got inside the fenced in pool they threw their towels on the nearest chairs and jumped in the pool, splashing several of the older woman who were wadding around the pool, who then gave a disapproving look toward Aunt Gena, Uncle Philip, and my dad. They jumped up and down, splashed each other, swam over and under the water for over an hour, and they were having a great time together - until it happened. My Uncle Philip recently got over a cold and he was still a little bit congested. As everyone knows when you go under the water the pressure can cause your body to clear some bodily orifices and so it was with Uncle Philip. He was showing my dad how he could go under water and hold his breath for about 10 seconds and then pop up from under the water. He popped up and down, up and down, up and down, until the last time he popped up something popped out of his nose –it was the biggest, greenest, wettest snot you ever saw in your life but it was different – it was strong like a piece of rubber and it seemed to have a life of its own. It was like it was peaking out of Uncle Philips nose – it wanted to look out but it didn’t want to leave the nose – because when Uncle Philip turned his head the portion that was laying below his nose, over his lips would release and swing from it’s current position over to the other side of his face – all the while clinging on for dear life to the inside of his nose. Uncle Philip didn’t realize this was happening and so when my dad said something to Phil he looked to his left and right and behind him – and with every turn of his head this monstrosity of a snot swung from one side of his face to the other – leaving remnants all over his face. It was at the same time one of the funniest things my dad had seen but also one of the most disgusting. When my Aunt Gena came up from her swimming activities she said, "What Kenny, what – what are you saying to Philip." My dad, making the biggest mistakes of his life said, "Look at Philips face." Aunt Gena looked at his face, saw the snot from the black lagoon on his face – and immediately a bellow (which sounded like the noise a Killer Whale makes during mating season) came out of the deepest bowels of Aunt Gena’s being and right behind the bellow was about 2 liters of Diet Coke and a box of Nilla Waffers – BBBBBBAAAAARRRRRRRFFFFFFFFF!Now, in my dad’s family throwing up is not a quiet event – you can hear anyone of them throwing up from miles away – and so when this happened everyone in the pool, outside the pool, and in all the Rain Tree Apartments – looked to see what that noise was – AND SEE THEY DID! They had the rare opportunity to see, the biggest snot of their life on the side of my Uncle’s face, they saw, a Diet Coke oil slick (with little chucks of Nilla Wafers) floating on top of the water…getting bigger by the second, they saw old ladies, old men, young boys, young girls racing out of the pool (it was like a scene from Jaws) and they saw my father beat red not knowing what to do while being engulfed in the floating barf. To make matters worse my Uncle Philip also has a weak stomach and so when he saw Aunt Gena tossing her cookies (and soda) he decided the cookies and soda in his stomach would follow the lead of his sister - BBBBBBAAAAARRRRRRRFFFFFFFFF! My dad doesn’t know how he survived this day but he did.You might think that this very traumatic experience might have hampered Uncle Philip and Aunt Gena’s love for swimming – but no. Of course, the Hand Family could never show their face again at the Raintree apartment’s pool (and my dad had to leave and return to and from work in the dark of night) but there were many other pools in the St. Louis area they had to christen. When they visited my dad in St. Louis they stayed at The Mary K Motel, a quaint little motel located near I-270 and Lindberg Boulevard. The next day it was again above 90 degrees and so Grandma Hand knew they couldn’t swim at my dad’s place but they could swim at the motel’s pool. This sounded safe enough and so my father agreed. He drove over to the motel from his house and he brought one of his new beach towels. When he arrived at The Mary K Motel, Grandpa Hand, Uncle Philip, and Aunt Gena were already in the pool swimming around like lunatics and my dad laid his towel down and prepared to hop in the pool – and then it happened - AGAIN! Uncle Philip dunked his head under the water and when he popped up – there it was again – as green, and as slimy as ever; my dad screamed, "Oh no, not again! Gena, turn your head - don’t look!" There was Uncle Philip, with a green snot wrapped around his head two times, he stood in the 3 foot section of the pool and raised his right arm, pointed his finger in the air as if to say, "Don’t worry – I’ve got the situation under control." With the confidence of a Marine marching into battle – Uncle Philip marched out of the pool, walked around the side of the pool next to my dad where his towel was laying. He reached across my father’s body and the snot dangled above my dad’s head like the Sword of Domiciles; Uncle Philip grabbed my dad’s new towel and proceeded to wipe the green, slimy monster from his face – WITH MY DAD’S BRAND NEW TOWEL!